New Moon: The Rewrite
by SmileysRoxSox
Summary: Sequel to Twilight: The Rewrite but you don't have to read it to understand this. If I had free reign over New Moon, what would happen? Total chaos, obviously. Includes forgotten Alices and bRaAaInS...
1. Happy Birthday Smella! and Zombie Bella

_**New Moon**_

**Disclaimer:**** I don't own Twilight, I just enjoy torturing people's work. The tiny screams of the written word being mangled by my twisted imagination make me smile. Like this: =)**

**Scene 1: Cullen House**

**Cullens**: Happy birthday, Smella!

**Bella: **IT'S BELLA!!! *bursts into tears*

**Esme: **what's wrong? Did our offensive nicknames make you upset, walking dinne-..I mean Bella?

**Bella: **No, well YES, but that's not why I'm crying. It's because I'm OLD!!! Soon I'll be fat and smell like old peoples!!!

**Alice**: not to mention wrinkly!

**Edward: **Alice, that is not helping!

**Alice: **I'm know, that's why I'm doing it.

**Edward: ***under his breath* Your shoes are ugly…

**Alice: **RAAAAWRRRRR!!!!!!!!

_(Bella falls on a conveniently placed knife.)_

**Bella: **Oh no, a paper cut.

_(Edward pops up wearing a cape and leaps at Jasper, who jumps towards Bella. At this point, the author ran out of synonyms for 'Jump'. How sad.) _

**------------GENERAL EPIC BATTLENESS, BUT ONLY FOR ABOUT 4 SECONDS----------**

**Bella: **Eddie-kins, get your coat, we're leaving!

**Edward: **But this is my house…

**Bella: **Get in the car!

**Edward: **And that was MY line…

**Carlisle: **Edward, do what she says. You can never win an argument with a woman. Painful memories, very painful.

**Edward:** I see them in your mind. Did Esme really do that?

**Carlisle: **_(Darkly) _And worse…

**Edward**_**: **__(In high-pitched voice) _Ok, let's go.

**Scene 2: A Place**

**Edward: **I'm leaving, Bella.

**Bella: **Oooh, Edward. Look at the prettyful flowers!

**Edward: **I don't want you any more…

**Bella: ***Is singing random ABBA song* …prancing bean, blah blah blah, are your windows clean?…

**Edward: **It will be as if I never existed.

**Bella: **I wonder if a tree fell in a forest, and there was no one around to hear it, would Jacobs dying screams as he was slowly crushed still make a sound?

**Edward: **AAARGH!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!!!

_(Edward storms off. Bella is still prattling on…)_

**2 hours later…..**

**Bella: **….so, what do you think Eddie-weddie? Eddie-kins? EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN, GET BACK HERE NOW!!!!

_(Silence reigns, then there is a brief but bloody rebellion by Noise, during which silence is exiled to libraries, graveyards and horror movies.)_

**Bella: **Nooo, my ickle Eddie-kins has been kidnapped by aliens! Or else he left me. OH GOD NO HE LEFT ME! HE SHALL PAY! Once I stop being a zombie-Bella. BRaAaInS…

Scene 3: Charlie's house, several months later

**Bella: **zOmBiEs LiKe bRaAaIns….

**Charlie: **Get a social life or I'll send you to your reckless, irresponsible mother, where you shall be happy and have a loving family.

**Bella: **BrAa… What! No, I'll do anything! Even go to the cinema with a girl who kidnapped and tortured me with shopping!

_(Bella phones Jess)_

**Bella: **Hi, evil woma- …I mean Jess. How'd you like to go to the cinema.

**Jess: **Umm…

**Bella: **You WILL go, or I'll eat your face.

**Jess: **Sounds great!

**A/N: Yes, I was bored and decided to write this. Now I will have to continue, whether I want to or not so REVIEW!!! And sorry for all the capital letters in the story, it annoys me too. =)**


	2. Shirtless Jake and Motorbike CliffDiving

**Disclaimer:**** Due to an unfortunate incident involving the authoresses hopes and dreams being smashed when she was told she didn't own Twilight, there will be no witty disclaimer today. We apologise for any inconvenience this may cause.**

**Scene 4: Outside the cinema**

_(Sign above the door says 'Now Showing: New Moon')_

**Bella: **Well, I think we can safely say that that movie is totally unrealistic. I mean, werewolves? I don't think so. And that girl, Bella, or whatever her name was. Like, what sort of idiot walks up to complete strangers because she thought she knew them from when they attacked her. Hey look, I think I know those random guys! They tried to attack me last year! I'll go say hi!

**Jessica: **Umm, Bella? I don't think-

**Bella: **Hi! Did you try and rape me last year?

Guy who looks like pencil jerk 1, except with a moustache: No.

**Bella: **Are you sure? Cos you _do _look sorta like them...

**Edward's Voice: **Bella, don't do it!

**Bella: **Do what?

_(Random guys take advantage of the seemingly one-sided conversation to leg it down an alley)_

**Edward's Voice: **Whatever you were going to do.

**Bella: **What, breathe? Ok.

_(Bella stops breathing. After a few minutes she starts to turn purple. Jess looks over, realises the purpleness clashes with Bella's outfit and drags her away.)_

**Scene 5: Jacobs Garage**

**Bella: **Jake, breathe.

**Jake: **OMG!!! SHE'S IN MY HOUSE!!! MY ACTUAL HOUSE!!!

**Bella: **Actually, it's your garage. And you should really dust it more often. My shiny motorbikes are getting dirty.

_(Bella points at rusty, broken motorbikes.)_

**Jacob: **I'm sorry, oh mightiness. Hey, wait a sec, these are shit. I'll fix them and teach you how to ride them if you don't kill yourself. As far as that is possible, of course.

**Bella: **Kill myself! That's unlikely.

_(Bella falls, narrowly missing a pile of pointy objects helpfully placed there by Billy Black. Billy has secretly hated Bella ever since she let his wheelchair roll off a cliff because she was busy eating pickles.)_

**Jacob: **Yes. Unlikely. Down to work! (Cracks knuckles, bringing a collective wince from audience and cast alike.)

**Scene 6: Somewhere in La Push**

**Jacob: **So, brake, accelerator, mirrors, novelty fluffy dice. Got all that?

**Bella: **What? Sorry, I was listening to a hallucination of Edward telling me not to do this.

**Jacob: **Go!

E**dwards Voice: **Bella! Stop!

**Bella: **No, I've a better idea. Since the authors friends say her writing is too long to make a movie of without serious editing, I will combine two scenes into one. Motorbike-cliff-diving! Hooray!

_(Bella drives off cliffs on the motorbike, bringing a loud cheer from a small portable audience supplied by Crowds 'R Us)_

**Jacob: **Noooooooo!!!!! I'll save you!!!

_(Takes off shirt and dives off cliffs after Bella, bringing a louder cheer from the audience who are thrilled to see a shirtless Jake.)_

**Jacob: **I've got you! (Brings up motorbike, swims it to shore and carefully dries it before going back to look for Bella)

**Bella: **Over here, you clot. On the beach!

**Jacob: **Oh.

**A/N: ****Apologies for the short chapter. I'm making this up as I go along and I have no beta, so I'm not as happy with this chapter as I would have liked to be. Pleas review, or I'll have to start asking for a certain number of reviews per chapter before I'll update. And that is not nice at all. =( On the plus side, this is your 2nd**** chapter in an hour =)**


	3. Mental Images and Stupid Nicknames

**Disclaimer:**** I own Twilight! There, I've said it! Do your worst, Smeyer, do your…Aaah! Lawyers! Nooo! Ok, I don't own Twilight, I DON'T OWN ANYTHING!**

**Scene 7: Jacob's house**

**Jacob: **Bella, I have a secret…

**Bella: **Oooh, are you gay?

**Jacob: **NO! I can't tell you it, but I need to tell you, but I'm not allowed, but I have to…Aaargh! Let's play charades and see if you can get it.

**Bella: **Ok, one word. Umm, two syllables. First syllable…er, clothes! Shirt! Taking off shirt! Putting on shirt. Wearing the shirt. Wear! Ok, wear. Second syllable…cat! No? Umm, big, howling furry thing? Er, lemur? Snake? Oh wait, they're small, don't have fur and don't howl. Jake, this is _difficult_! Make it easier! Oh, you have a picture on the wall? It looks sort of like…a cow! No, it has hair. Mike Newton! Still no? I see, you're writing it down on a piece of paper. W-zero, oh, O!- J, no wait, that's an L-F.

W-O-L-F, wolf. You wear wolves? That's cruel, Jake. I'll have you know I'm against fur. OMG, you're a WEREWOLF!!!!

_(Jacob collapses to the floor in relief and exhaustion.)_

**Jacob; **Finally!

**Bella: **So, if I shoot you with a silver bullet, will you die?

**Jacob**: No, but I will bite your head off.

_(Bella hides gun behind her back)_

**Bella: **I'm going home for dinner. I suppose I'll see you tomorrow.

**Jacob: **But I just told you I'm a werewolf. Aren't you afraid?

**Bella: **Well, considering I spent most of the summer making out with a vampire, not really.

**Jacob: **Ew, you made out with a leech? Ugh, that's gross! Agh, mental images! Not good, not good!

(Jacob falls to the ground , holding his head in his hands. Bella shrugs and walks out, leaving poor Jake curled up on the ground.)

**Scene 8:****Bella's house**

**Bella; **Thanks for dropping me home, Jakey-kins!

**Jacob: **You gave me a nickname?

**Bella: **Of _course_ Jakey-kins. I love nicknames. There's Eddie-kins, Alicey-walicey, Rosie-posie, Emmy-kins, Jazzy-poo, Carly-warly and I couldn't find anything to rhyme with Esme, so I call her Carly-warlys ickle wifey.

**Jacob: **Ohhh-kaaay…. Hey look, an unexplained car is parked outside your house! I'll let you go in by yourself and greet them. Let's hope it isn't a vampire who's going to rip your throat out! Goodbye!

_(Jacob drives off very quickly. How strange. Bella goes inside the house.)_

**Bella: **How mysterious. I expect they're waiting for me to turn on the light.

**Alice: ***Appears mysteriously out of the shadows* No, Miss Swan, I expect you to die…

_(Awkward Silence )_

**Bella: **Was I supposed to, like, say something or what?

**Alice: **Look, I saw you drive off a cliff on a motorbike so I came to see if everything is alright.

**Bella: **Jacob wears wolf skin. That's not alright.

**Alice: **Bella, listen to me. Are you dead?

**Bella: **Yes! I mean, no! Well I don't know. Why do you need to know that anyway?

**Alice: **So Edward doesn't commit suicide.

**Bella: **Edward?

**Alice: ***sighs* Yes, Edward. The love of your life, creepy stalker vampire boyfriend, wants to drink your blood?

**Bella: **Ah yes, that Edward.

**Alice: **Well, we have to go to Italy to stop him committing suicide by Volturi.

**Bella: **Is that a sort of gun?

**Alice; **Come on!

_(Alice drags Bella out to a car and onwards to the airport.)_

**A/N: ****Well, another short chapter but I didn't have time to write the next scene because I'm going surfing! And getting my school uniform, sadly. REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW, it makes me smile. =)**


	4. Facepalms and Gangster Guards

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Twilight. I make this statement of my own free will and definitely not because I'm being stared at by lawyer-elves who will shoot me with their lawsuit-gun if I say I own Twilight. Whew, long sentence!**

**Scene something: a square in Volterra**

**Alice: **Bella, you will have to go. I can't go out in the sun.

**Bella: **But no one has told me what he's going to do, or where he is, or what will ha…

_(Alice shoves Bella out the car and into the crowded square.)_

**Bella**: …ppen. Bugger. Ooh, look. There he is. Hey Eddie-kins, over here! Yoo-hoo! Mr. Sparkly Vampire Guy!

_(Crowd turns and stares at Bella, then at Edward)_

**Bella: **… Ooops. That was not supposed to happen, was it?

**Alice and Edward: ***Facepalm*

_(Bella runs over to Edward. Two Volturi guards and Jane step out of the shadows. The guards speak like gangsters for some strange reason. Maybe it's because the authoress has just consumed a whole bag of chocolate chips. Or maybe not.)_

**Guard 1: **You two have been causin' the boss a lot of problems.

**Guard 2: **Yeah. And the boss don't like no problems, ain't that right?

**Guard 1**: That's right. So you're gonna come with us nice and quiet, like. Then we don't have to rip off no heads.

**Guard 2: **Well, if we're gonna be head-rippin', I call the human.

**Guard 1: **No, I get the human 'cos I'm older.

**Guard 2: **No, I do.

**Guard 1: **Me!

**Guard 2: **Me!

**Guard 1: **M- Aaargh!!!

_(Guards both curl up on the ground screaming from Jane's attack. Never annoy a girl. Especially if she has the power to torture you to screaming. Most girls do.)_

**Jane: **You should never send two incompetent fools to do a woman's job. Come with me or I will kill you. Painfully.

**Edward: **You know, I think we should do what she says. I just have this feeling…

(_Long silence)_

**Jane: **Was there more to that sentence?

**Edward: **No, not really. I like hanging sentences…

_(Long silence Jr.)_

**Bella: **Umm, ok. Can we go now? This scene is getting very long.

**Jane: **Fiiine. Eh-hem… **Come, mortals!**

**Edward: **Er, actually, I'm immortal.

**Bella: **Shut up and follow the sadistic, torturing vampire girl, Eddie-kins.

**Edward: **(Squeaks) Following!

A/N: Yes, I know my chapter's are getting shorter but I honestly don't have the _time_ to make them longer. I'm making this story up as I go along, whereas the other one was already written out since June on paper so all I was doing was typing it up. I couldn't remember what scene number it was because I'm writing this on both the laptop and our upstairs computer. The last chapter was on the laptop and I'm writing this on the computer without the internet, so I've no idea what scene I'm on. Darn. I love Jane, she's so much fun to write! I haven't read New Moon in months so if I've missed out on anything vitally important let me know in a REVIEW! =)


	5. Interior Design and The Chamber of Doom

**Disclaimer:**** The day will come when I, ruler of the terrible stories, shall own Twilight. It will be the same day that pigs fly, llamas invent time travel and teachers will give us less homework! Beware, readers, that day is coming and then the world as we know it shall melt into a pile of sludge.**

**Scene 10: The Volturi Castle-Place**

**Bella: **I like what you've done with the place. All the mangled bodies give it a really… cosy feeling.

**Jane: **Thanks! What do you think of the paint? I chose it myself. I think it matches the floorboards nicely.

**Edward: **Oh god, the interior design talk is worse than torture! Kill me now!

**Bella: **I thought you were already dead?

**Edward: **It's a figure of speech.

**Jane: **We could test that if you want?

**Edward; **I'll pass. Where are we going anyway?

**Jane: **To the chamber of doom, from which there is no return. The chamber contains raw fear, and the walls are made from the bodies of the dead and dying. A hundred million trapped souls cry out for help from beneath the floor of bones.

**Bella: **Sounds like it could do with a lick of paint. Eddie-kins, go and get my emergency decorating kit. It's in the car.

**Edward: **I can't, we're prisoners.

**Jane: **Not prisoners, just guests who have to do what we say and never get to leave.

**Edward: **Sounds like we're prisoners to me.

**Bella: **Sounds like Jessica's house party. That was horrible, all th-

**Jane: **We have arrived. Stop your foolish bantering, mortals. The old people shall see you now.

**Edward: **For the last time, I'm immortal. And I don't like your attitude young la- Aaaaaaaaargh!!!!! The pain, the PAIN!!! Oh, make it stop, have mercy etc…

**Bella: **This should be the worst moment of my life, my little Eddie-kins is being tortured by an evil vampire. Yet all I feel is that a pizza would be nice right now. With mushrooms and pineapple.

**Jane: **Well, I would like to drink your blood. We can't all get what we want.

**Bella: **But that's not fair!

**Jane: **Life's not fair.

**Bella: **You seem happy enough.

**Jane: **I'm dead. Death is fair. If people don't give you what you want, you kill them. Simple.

_(The doors swing mysteriously open to reveal Aro, Caius and Marcus with their cloaks flapping in the breeze from a large fan. They look altogether very menacing except for Aro, who has a ridiculous grin on his face. Edward assumes it's supposed to be welcoming.)_

**Aro: **Welcome, children. What brings you here on this fine day?

**Edward: **Your miniature minion dragged us here.

**Jane: **Grrrrrr….

**Caius: **Kill them all! Kill all humans! Kill! Kill! Kill!

**Marcus: **Can we hurry this up a bit? I want to watch Extreme Makeover, Home Edition.

**Bella: **OMG, that's my favourite show!

**Caius**: Kill! Ki- what? How did you say OMG? It isn't even a word! How can you pronounce it? Aaargh!

**Aro**: Jane, torture Bella until we find out her secret. It has been my dream to say OMG correctly all my life.

**Jane: **It isn't working. Can't I torture Eddie-kins instead?

**Edward: **How is it possible that you know my nickname? Why does everyone call me that? I hate it!

**Jane: **Hello Alec!

**Edward: **Oh great, isn't one of you enough? Now you have a twin. Why don't you just take over the world already?

**Alec: **Because that' next month's goal. This month we're going to try and clone Aro.

**Edward: **That's disgusting.

**Jane: **So's your face, Eddie-kins.

**Bella: **Hey! Only I can call him that!

**Jane: **Well now I can too, bitch.

**Bella: **Oh no you didn't!

**Jane: **Oh yes I did!

**Aro: **Cat fight!

**Jane: **Grrrrr…

**Bella: **Grrrrr…

**Edward: **Alec, should we leave? How about a grizzly bear or two down in the forest?

**Jane: **Don't. Even. Think. About. It.

**Bella: **Right, that's it. We're going. And _you_ are definitely off the Christmas card list!

**Aro: **Nooo! Not the list! We vow revenge!

_(Bella and Edward leave. Aro falls to the floor, dry-sobbing at the thought of not getting a Christmas card from his beloved Carlisle. Jane and Alec are poking Caius and running away. Marcus is upset because he missed his programme)_

**A/N: ****REVIEW OR FACE THE WRATH OF THE VOLTURI!!! Next chapter will be the last chapter. This was the longest chapter I've written so far for both my stories and I'm almost at the 6,000 word count. I want to become a Beta so I'm**_** nearly**_** there. That's actually the reason for this abnormally long authors note. And the 6,000****th**** word was become! Yays! =)**


	6. Rogue Tigers and 'prezzydent karlile'

Disclaimer: I will now answer two questions, one about Twilight and the other about my sanity. For those of you questioning my ownership of Twilight (Cough-lawyer-elves-cough), I do not own it. For those questioning my sanity, the answer is the same as for the previous question. I sold it to raise money for my Twilight books. =P

Scene 11: An aeroplane

**Bella: Next time we go on holiday, **_**I **_**choose it.**

**Edward: For the last time, **_**it wasn't a holiday!!!**_

**Bella: **_**Sure**_** it wasn't. So, will you turn me into a vampire now?**

**Edward: No. But I'll say I love you again and we'll come back to Forks.**

**Bella: You've bribed your way out of this situation for the last time, Eddie-kins. I'm letting your family vote on this one!**

**Edward: I've a feeling we're forgetting something.**

**Bella: Nope. Got the ballot papers right here.**

**(Holds up ballot papers saying 'Turn Bella into a vampire because she's awesome' and 'I agree with stinky-face Edward. Don't change her'**

**Edward: How did you get them so fast! But I really think we've left something behind.**

**Bella: Got them off a guy at a market stall cheap. He said they were second hand.**

**Edward: Who would need them other than us?**

**Bella: Dunno. I want Skittles. Call the air hostess Eddie-kins.**

**(Edward presses the bell. The air hostess walks up)**

**Edward: Eddie-kins!**

**Bella: Idiot! (Slaps Edward)**

**Edward: Ow! Violence doesn't solve anything! And you said 'Call the airhostess Eddie-kins', so I did.**

**Bella: Shush. (To air hostess) Can I have some Skittles please? And a cup of warm blood for my boyfriend. Lion blood if possible.**

**Air Hostess: What the f- *faints***

**Bella: Phew! That nearly caused the rating to go up! Lucky she collapsed when she did. (Prods unconscious woman with her foot) Out cold.**

**Edward: Are we there yet?**

**Bella: Shut up.**

**Edward: Are we there yet?**

**Bella: I SAID SHUT UP! *Slaps Edward again***

**Edward: Ow! I hate travelling with you. You're mean.**

**Bella: One more word out of you and I will turn this plane around and we'll be murdered by evil, torturing vampire twins. Now, are you going to be quiet?**

**(Edward sighs then nods his head)**

**Scene 12: Cullens House**

Bella: We're back!

Carlisle: Nooo… *groans*

Esme: But I just told everyone at school you'd been eaten by a rogue tiger. Now we'll have to say it puked you up again!

Bella: Ewwww… Gross!

Edward: Bella has something to tell you all.

Esme: Oh my god she's pregnant!!!!

Edward: No she isn't! Yet.

Bella: Edward, if you're going to say that you have to say 'Warning: Breaking Dawn Spoilers' first! Now, let's call everyone together to vote!

Edward: Guys! Come here!

(Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper come downstairs.)

Jasper: Umm, where's Alice.

Bella: I think we left her behind.

Edward: I knew we forgot something!

Jasper: You forgot my wife, Eddie-kins! DIE!

(Jasper is about to attack Edward when through the window comes…)

Alice: I had to swim _all_ the way across the Atlantic! My last stop before here was Ireland and all they have there was **badgers!!!** My dress is ruined from the salt water!!!

Carlisle: Well, now we're all here let's vote. Do you want Bella to be a vampire and join our coven or not. Here are the sheets. Edward, no reading minds to find out what people are voting.

Edward: Aaaw, Dad!

(Votingness…)

Esme: Well, let's count them. Here's one for Bella crawling into a bush and dying, one that says 'Bella, I love you, don't do this to me!' one saying 'Up the South, go Confederates!' another one for Barack Obama, one saying woof… hey, how did Jacob get in here? Anyway we've one for…umm 'Prezzydent karlile'. Carlisle, how did you spell your own name wrong? Honestly!

Carlisle: Esme, the votes were meant to be a _secret_! Now everyone knows mine!

Esme: And the last two are 'vampire bella is hott'…

(Rosalie smacks Emmett round the head)

Esme: Rose! Finally we have… 'Bella for vampresident. Woot!' Well, I think the result is obvious.

Carlisle: No it isn't.

Esme: *sighs* Bella won. Duh.

Edward: No. She's not being turned into a vampire. I own her and I say no.

Bella: You don't own me! However, you are my boyfriend and I love you, so I'll respect your wishes at this time.

Carlisle: D…Did she just say something…_sensible_?

Cullens: *Gasps*

Esme: I think we should go.

Jacob: Not yet! I still have to tell Charlie about the whole motorbikes thing and get Bella grounded!

Bella: Grrr…

Jacob: Ooops!

**The End**

**A/N:**** Well, that's New Moon all done. I might or might not do Eclipse because I'm going back to school next week and won't have so much free time. See if you can guess who voted what in the vote! Review PLEASE! I only have 6 reviews, that's less than one review a chapter. Oh, and read my sister's story Emmett's Secret. Her penname is .pixie. I actually wrote the story because she already had it posted and took it down because it was too short. I rewrote it and reposted it under her penname. And just for good measure, REVIEW! =)**


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